Our logical mind never knows

arrow imageI’ve been trying to understand me all my life and I’m still nowhere near. Not even close. Miles away from knowing who I am or why I say the things I say.

Sometimes words come out. As they leave my lips my brain sends a message to my mouth – “Don’t say it you fool……oops, too late.”

I stiffen as I feel the energy of those words ‘hit’ the other person.

I see their face change them. They become animated, draw their bow. Then, the arrow….hits….me.

I bend from their anger. I squirm from my shame. I cower in the corner like a boy in nursery who wants to put himself on the naughty step. I’m bad, I’m evil and worse still….I…don’t…know…why.

Why did I say that? I didn’t want to, the words just came out.

I was right to say that, wasn’t I? Perhaps not.

I’m sorry, even though it’s not the right time.

I’m an idiot?

Ok, I’m going to keep quiet. Leave the room…….and….sulk. Yes, I’m going to do what boys do best. I’m going to sulk. Make her feel guilty. I’m sick! I’m ill! She’ll see that when she comes in.

And she does…eventually. I fain death. I’m at death’s door my sweet. What have you done to this poor, poor boy?

She runs to the kitchen and brings a wet towel. “It was all my fault.” She says.

I choose my words carefully. “No, it was mine.” I say, helpless.

She takes the arrow from my heart. Takes the bow from her shoulders. I don’t know why. I don’t understand!

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